A DAY IN THE LIFE OF SAMMY VAN HALEN
by Sammy Van Halen West
I woke up as my tequila bottle alarm clock radio blasted out KISS's "Rock and Roll All Night". I hopped out my tiger skin bedsheets and ran to the window to see how my baby had slept. She sparkled in the Munson St sunlight, so I mashed the buttons on my remote, turned her alarm off, then on as she chirped her disarming song of love back to me.
I spun my rotating jersey rack with the force of metal and pulled one out without even lookin. It ended up being one of my faves--black and red with my name on the back. It was time to go. It was time to cruise. I stepped out the door, flipped my Oakley's in the air, shook my bronze mane, and lifted my face to the sky just before my shades fell onto my face in perfect position. I hopped through the open window to my WRX, punched my dash to start my engine, then howled to the Gods to get my tricked-the-fuck-out stereo on fire. The sounds of AC/DC's "Dirty Deeds" took over my soul and commanded me to rock some babes over on Military Rd (or as I call it, THE ROAD).
The first babe I saw was walking with her family. It was a teenage mother and her own mother. I didn't think the boomin granny would mind if I gave her daughter a little spice, so I honked and pulled up next to them. "Need a ride, Sugartits?" I asked over the sounds of Smoke on the Water. The family, including the infant shot me the fish eye, but they knew wanted me. I gunned the engine and rocketed past the outlet mall, the OTB, and the pet store. My destination: Mighty Taco.
As I rolled up, I broke out my skull shaped bowl and started puffing what I hadn't finished the night before. Nicely toasted, I marched up into the burrito palace and called out "Van Halen Is In The Haus!". The worker chicks there tried to hide their faces under hairnets and baseball caps... chicks always get shy in the presence of the SVHW. I grabbed a stack of customer feedback postcards and began autographing each one with a personal message for each of the dames with the sharpie that I always keep on hand. "To Tina - Dance the Night Away" "To Shaneeka - Rock the DonkaDonk" "To Jolene - Thats not a guitar in my pocket (but that is one in my car)" etc. I scoped the ladies -- lookin fine with their tight black pants and bits of spicy cooked beef stuck to their shirts. I tossed the 'graphs to each of my girls chinese star style and rocked the fuck out the door, holding up the devil horns with my hands as I left.
To give the babes inside a little more to think about before I come back later to collect my snatch, I cranked up 103.3 The Fox and did a few monster donuts so they could see me out the drive-through window. As I entered my fourth or fifth 360°, I heard a siren blazin toward me from down the road. It was the mother fuckin pigs. I lifted my bottle of Cabo Wabo to my lips and gunned it out the parking lot toward Packard Rd. Desination: Candlestick Cave